All Things and Sundry

(Para sa isang Kaopisinang nabasted at sa kaopisinang bumasted sa kanya)

Kung babastedin mo ako

Wag mo naman sanang sabihin nang diretso

Hinay hinay naman at masakit na ito

Pagkat puso’y sawa nang mabigo,

Kung babastedin mo ako

Pwede bang daanin mo sa isang tula?

Maganda yung may sukat at tugma

Para maranasan ko man lang ang maalayan ng mga talata.

Kung babastedin mo ako

Sana’y “Can we still be friends” ang theme song mo

Nais ko man lang madinig kang umawit

Kahit pag-ibig ko sa iyo’y di ko na maipilit.

Kung babastedin mo ako

Wag mo na akong miskolan o iti-txt man lang

Ayoko nang tumunog ang cellphone ko

Kung hindi naman love quotes ang ipo-forward mo.

Kung paiiyakin mo ako

Bigyan mo sana ako ng tissue

Maramdaman ko man lang na kahit papaano

Na ako’y pinagmalasakitan mo.

Kung isosoli mo ang mga regalo ko

Yakapin mo naman yung teddy bear na bigay ko

Kahit wag na yung mga bulaklak

Pati tsokolateng hindi mo gusto.

Pag tapos na akong lumuha

At tigang na ang mata

Huwag kang maawa dahil lalo akong kawawa

Wag mo akong sisihin kung sa susunod na bukas

Kung di na kita yayain kumain sa labas

Binasted mo na ako, katapusan na nitong mundo

Maghahanap na lang ako ng ibang wawasak sa puso ko.

*unpublished up to this date (may dispute pa kse sa printing ng Andamyo 2005)

WRITING something about the Sea has always been difficult for me. One way or the other i always seem to be petting a butterfly on the stomach to write something about him.

Time, when i was with him, was not an element. I didnt even know what time it is when we’re close.

I didn’t get to have a friend out of him. Neither did i get him to stay with me forever or much longer. That is too much to ask.

However, a moment with him these days can be considered a privilege, if not a luxury.

We could be extreme at times, estranged always and even disconnected. But whatever the differences, we did get together at one point in our lives with no debates. The moments at the Sea, with the Sea, was one memory sure to linger till death. However, the tides didn’t agree on our favor.

While good things happen, some good things never last.

I miss the bitter, salty Sea. I do not intend to ask him. It’s better this way not knowing how it was after all this time. With All of My Life. .

I DIDN’T get to monitor the voting on the Impeachment complaint against the bogus President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, i only did get to watch some starting parts and then some ending because of my work.

The question was about whether the House of Representatives, sitting as a plenary would adopt or not the Committee Report of the House Justice Committee. Talk about justice.

The House of Representative has 158 crooks living within its halls, some 51 who we could call as the true representatives of the people, and 6 playing safe congressmen. What the hell were they trying to hide when the Yes vote outnumbered the No vote for the adoption of the Committee Report. It was very obvious that their move was to protect the fake President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. She was asking for her day in Court but her allies were somewhat deaf on the what the President just said. Or was she again lying when she said that.

The vote was neither surprising nor was it expected by the people. With how Malacañang used its influence to hasten the release of the YES congressmen’s pork barrel, we could expect that the move was made to protect GMA and to suppress the truth.

During the voting, they were speaking that they were voting to stop the political crisis of the country. Well, I guess that money has talked a lot and too much that it has again blinded the Congressmen to accept the orders of the Malacañang.

Though GMA can sleep well for a year because of the ban for another another impeachment complaint, the crisis would really pinch her day by day as she continues to cling to power. We could nevertheless expect that foreign investment would be at its downfall and the economy would continue to suffer because the issue of legitimacy was not at all concluded. The dismissal of the impeachment complaint against GMA was only another added factor which could cause social unrest.

Personally, I didn’t vote for GMA, neither did i voted for FPJ. I know GMA as a liar, someone who would do anything and everything just to stay in power. I concur with Susan Roces that GMA stole the presidency twice and that we are being led by a bogus president. So unfortunate for the Filipinos.

I can sense (with my jedi powers) that she is up to go against those congressmen who voted for the impeachment.  I expect that the congressional district in which i belong would be kulelat again in terms of infra and soft infra projects because our congressman, Proceso Alcala, voted for the impeachement. Kawawa naman kami. Sobrang plastik nyan ni Gloria nun pmunta yan sa lucena para dalawin ang namatay na ama ng aming congressman, she brought about the question why Cong. Alcala endorsed the impeachment complaint even though "hindi naman kita kinakalimutan Procy." I should know what transpired there.

But that’s trivial, what is more shocking is that it not only our district’s representatives who have been a prey to Ate Gloria’s pagkukunwari.

Nakakagalit talaga yang unanong pandak na yan. Hndi nya ba naiisip na naghihirap ang bansa at ang pananatili nyang yan sa kapangyarihan ang siyang lalo pang nakakapag pahirap sa bayan. Maawa ka naman. Wla wala na na kami anjan k pa rin nagpapasarap. Kawawa naman ang mga Pilipino

We do not deserve Glora. We do not deserve this government.

I ASKED a friend to tell me if I’m in love because I was feeling a little jolly right now with someone. But before she could hear about my pleadings, she referred me to first read this part of the Bible 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Here it goes:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…”

Then she told me to replace the word LOVE with my name.

So this is how it went:

Ysrael is patient, Ysrael is kind. Ysrael does not envy, Ysrael does not boast, Ysrael is not proud. Ysrael is not rude, Ysrael is not self-seeking, Ysrael is not easily angered, Ysrael keeps no record of wrongs. Ysrael does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Ysrael always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Ysrael never fails…

And then I told her to forget what I was about to say.

WELL I’VE heard enough about what she really did during the last polls. i deem it necessary to hear only here side because she’s the one involved.

i guess it came from the horse’s mouth (my sorry to the horses). she should be given her day to say sorry. and i guess that what she did that night when she first spoke about the tapes three weeks after it was exposed to the general public.

while i hate liars and dishonest people (myself included), GMA saying sorry to the nation is but a good deed indeed.

however, having to say sorry is not where everything stops.

when a devout catholic goes to confession under the sacrament of reconciliation, one blurts out his conscience to tell to God through the priest that he committed sin(s) against the commandments of God. but it just dont stop there. the priest then subject the person who has just undergone confession to not only profess penance but also do necessary things to prove that he indeed is sorry for his sins.

there is the contrition stage where a man reparates the damage he has done against people and against God. he may go to the people whom he committed his sins and ask for forgiveness and do something in return to reparate whatever damage he has done.

and i guess, that’s where GMA missed the point. she saying sorry isn’t enough. she doesnt have to admit that she is gulty of high crimes by talking to a commissioner during the election under an im-just-protecting-my-votes-mask. a big no-no for me.

when you say sorry you just dont say it like "may i go out, mam?" when you say it say it with your heart.

the problem with GMA is that she always tend to say things and yet dont really mean it (remember the Dec. 30 statement when she said she’s not running).

and i guess tama si Susan Roces. ANG SINUNGALING AY KAPATID NG MAGNANAKAW.

one word she did missed is the word. accountability. well i guess it is not only Gloria who forgets the word often. a lot of politicians tend to lose the meaning of their words. i work in the government, i should know.

but then again, what is most desperating of all is that the Filipinos are again the losing end. we are once again fooled by these Bureaucrats. we pay taxes sincerely and they just mess with our pesos. d ba nila alam na ang hirap kitain ng pera?

sabagay di naman nila kinikita ang pera e. ninanakaw lang nila.

IT PAINS me so hard looking at the current political turmoil we are in right now. I also feels ashamed how our political leaders have the used the resources of the government to deliver the necessities right at their doorsteps rather than to the needy Filipinos all over the country.

The brand of politicians we have in the Philippines is truly one of a kind in the world. I’ve been witnessed in ousting a corrupt president in the person of Joseph Estrada. I am convinced, without looking at the legality of his ouster, that he indeed has lost the moral credibility to lead the country. I can consider that as an extra legal means of the sovereign people to say that they do not approve of their leader.

When Marcos the Dictator was toppled, I was only five then. But looking into the annals of history and to those that I’ve heard from my parents, teachers and other people, he was Dictator and having to hear that send shivers down my spine. Erap was no dictator and yet I abhor what he has done to the Presidency.

Then came Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. I know she was no dictator. But having to hear here that night admitting that she was the voice on the tape, I felt the same way that I felt on Erap. They deserve no less than the Presidency. Erap didn’t cheated just to live in Malacañang. A whooping 10 million Filipinos voted for him. And he didn’t have to call any Garci that time.

Presidents, be them legitimate or illegitimate, like Gloria is one reason why our country is in an unstable political situation. I find it very ridiculous that she keeps on clinging to the office which is not for her in the first place. Gloria should do the first step in stabilizing the country.

She should step down and follow the will of the people. #

I laid my Apples on the sand

To take a warm bathe in the

Sea It took me all courage and might

Before I enjoyed the swim.

The warm Sea gave me comfort and heat

Soothing my pained and stressed back

Relieving me from the worries of the past

And conflicts of the present time.

I remembered how relaxed I was whenever I am soaked

The splashing waves massage my body

The salty liquid makes me grin

And leaves an indelible smile.

I can hear the Sea crying, roaring his secrets to my ear

Banging me with the constant currents

The Sea confides with me,

Telling me his dreams, his wants, his stories I can only be there to listen

To stay and swim, and be a friend.

Abruptly, I rose from his loving arms

And attempted to rest on the sand

And eat some of my Apples

Still beside the beach.

A sigh of pleasant grief!

Now I blissfully mourn

Gone are the shiny, wild Apples

The fruits are washed by the friendly Sea.

In disappointment I wept

There she floated with him

Eaten whole and selfishly

By the companion I thought to be.

She was ravaged by the amiable Sea

The crimson, sweet Apple

And I can only cry

With joyous tears in my eyes,

I say She is no longer for me.

WORRIED.

Days after my birthday i got a strange sms from one of my classmate in high school. it was a shocking news to hear that my former high school buddy, Alfred Mendoza y Ortiz met an accident while on board a motorcyle somewhere in agdangan quezon where he works for a construction firm.

it could have been any common accident met by anybody i know. but alfred was someone who i closely hold dear into my heart.
his cranium (a part in his cranial system or what we mostly know as skull) was fractured that brought severe effect on him. he was comatosed for some days but was able to recover with only his left extremities paralyzed.

days after that i found out that he’s already home resting and recovering from the accident. i was of course worried and sad about his fate. but there is really nothing that i can do but to pray for his fast recovery.

if you would ask me if i bother visit him in the hospital, i did not. for some reasons that i have hidden deep in my heart and mind.

THE STORY THAT WAS ALFRED

I met Alfred when we were classmates during our first year in high school. he was sure a cute guy that almost all admired. he was snappy, neat, smarty casual and cute. he was from manila, from tondo to be specific where he graduated from elementary. he told that he has no father anymore because he died when he was still young. He has three siblings and the second among the brood.

When we were in our high school, he would always join my barkada (m not going to mention them here) because he likes it when i play joke and just be myself and play with them. then he told he really wanted to be with me always because it was all fun whenever he’s with me. so i welcomed him. that was how it use to be until when we’re in our second year in high school.

During our Sophomore year, we would be together every single day. we would eat lunch together, go to recess, do our homework, projects and just about any other things in class.
we would even go to my place or his place whenever shortened period every friday would come.

He was such a nice buddy. he was so generous of everything that he has. including his time and attention. it was only alfred and ysrael then when we were in high school. no more or less. but there’s no romantic things between us. just plain friends.

But then i forgot to entertain other people inside the class. they would become jealous how alfred and i were going on for the last 5 months of class because we tend to seclude them from our friendship. it’s because we’re best of friends.

A bad thing happened between the two of us when we were caught sleeping together (not sex damn you) and then people begun speculating, giving comments, spreading rumors and every disgusting things that you can think of.

Then i have to make a move. i talked to him and told him that we should separate ways in order to protect him from their "heavenly" speculations. i kept it a secret up to now. i didn’t told anybody what was it between the two of us. only alfred and i knows about it.
and so i stayed in the dark room without him. it was nothing but sadness that i felt. yes i did found some new friends but they were of no comparison to what alfred has given me for the last months of our friendship. from then on i know i am doomed to be lonely and left alone. i may have brought smiles to just about anybody in the class, even to alfred. but not to myself.

And then i have to go on with the thing called life. i had a girlfriend, i graduated college, i broke up with my girlfriend, i discovered more about my sexuality, i involved myself in writing, get serious sometimes during college, engaged in sexual activities, had bfs, had gfs. but alfred would always be there on the backdrop of my mind. because he was an unfinished business, i had an unfinished memory of him.

By now, i am only mustering some of enough courage to face him and tel hi, all the things that he missed. now that i have a family of my own and all the things that happened to me.

Alfred is supposed to be the friend that i have till now, until they all ripped us apart just like any other intermediate paper that is asked to be cut lengthwise for a lengthy quiz.

Bottom line is, i miss the guy more than i miss myself. comments?

I JUST turned 24 yesterday still cana’t imagine being 24 with two kids and a wife. actually it’s alright with me that i have them already at this young an age.

my parent had me when my father was only 20 and my mother 18. i dont feel a single regret now. honestly that feeling was there all the times. but sure times has its reasons and ways on starting things out.
————————–
these wounds won’t seem to heal
this pain is just too real.

m listening on my mp3 and i really am hooked on to it. what am i going to do without those teeny music? at this moment i can’t realize why i have become a former college editor in chief of a university here in south luzon whereas right now i cant seem to think of what to write or say unto this blog.
its like blag for me. i fell from up above and am now struggling to write words. my mastery of the language(?) seem to be dropping from 100 degrees centigrade to a low of a .5 on the same scale.

its cold and winterly.

thats what i feel right now. naulan kse. im talking right now with a former boy that i had when i was only in college. he was a three-year steady. he;s from davao and im from lucena. i really cant imagine how i did get to be steady with him. that was a three-year itch that i felt absolutely no sexual intercourse just intellectual masturbation. im one itchy bitch how the hell did i get to allow that? di ko nga din alam.

all i know is when i got the chance to go down to the big davao city my first agenda was to get laid with the boy and and conquer his world for one night even i was a failure in conquering his mind on that three years. so even with a bf and a gf that time i did get the guts to ask him for something i dont even now to manage.

the bottom line is, i guess, that i violated the guy and all those that busied my senses. i just thought that overnight encounter would change how i feel for him or for the meanigful (?) relationship that we had.

i guess im incomplete without him. and even if we are miles apart i guess hes still down here in the middle of my lungs. this one big stupid confession. and i guess this is on a need to know basis. i have to kill you now,

ask for more.

—————-

ysrael,

happy birthday,

el