All Things and Sundry

WORRIED.

Days after my birthday i got a strange sms from one of my classmate in high school. it was a shocking news to hear that my former high school buddy, Alfred Mendoza y Ortiz met an accident while on board a motorcyle somewhere in agdangan quezon where he works for a construction firm.

it could have been any common accident met by anybody i know. but alfred was someone who i closely hold dear into my heart.
his cranium (a part in his cranial system or what we mostly know as skull) was fractured that brought severe effect on him. he was comatosed for some days but was able to recover with only his left extremities paralyzed.

days after that i found out that he’s already home resting and recovering from the accident. i was of course worried and sad about his fate. but there is really nothing that i can do but to pray for his fast recovery.

if you would ask me if i bother visit him in the hospital, i did not. for some reasons that i have hidden deep in my heart and mind.

THE STORY THAT WAS ALFRED

I met Alfred when we were classmates during our first year in high school. he was sure a cute guy that almost all admired. he was snappy, neat, smarty casual and cute. he was from manila, from tondo to be specific where he graduated from elementary. he told that he has no father anymore because he died when he was still young. He has three siblings and the second among the brood.

When we were in our high school, he would always join my barkada (m not going to mention them here) because he likes it when i play joke and just be myself and play with them. then he told he really wanted to be with me always because it was all fun whenever he’s with me. so i welcomed him. that was how it use to be until when we’re in our second year in high school.

During our Sophomore year, we would be together every single day. we would eat lunch together, go to recess, do our homework, projects and just about any other things in class.
we would even go to my place or his place whenever shortened period every friday would come.

He was such a nice buddy. he was so generous of everything that he has. including his time and attention. it was only alfred and ysrael then when we were in high school. no more or less. but there’s no romantic things between us. just plain friends.

But then i forgot to entertain other people inside the class. they would become jealous how alfred and i were going on for the last 5 months of class because we tend to seclude them from our friendship. it’s because we’re best of friends.

A bad thing happened between the two of us when we were caught sleeping together (not sex damn you) and then people begun speculating, giving comments, spreading rumors and every disgusting things that you can think of.

Then i have to make a move. i talked to him and told him that we should separate ways in order to protect him from their "heavenly" speculations. i kept it a secret up to now. i didn’t told anybody what was it between the two of us. only alfred and i knows about it.
and so i stayed in the dark room without him. it was nothing but sadness that i felt. yes i did found some new friends but they were of no comparison to what alfred has given me for the last months of our friendship. from then on i know i am doomed to be lonely and left alone. i may have brought smiles to just about anybody in the class, even to alfred. but not to myself.

And then i have to go on with the thing called life. i had a girlfriend, i graduated college, i broke up with my girlfriend, i discovered more about my sexuality, i involved myself in writing, get serious sometimes during college, engaged in sexual activities, had bfs, had gfs. but alfred would always be there on the backdrop of my mind. because he was an unfinished business, i had an unfinished memory of him.

By now, i am only mustering some of enough courage to face him and tel hi, all the things that he missed. now that i have a family of my own and all the things that happened to me.

Alfred is supposed to be the friend that i have till now, until they all ripped us apart just like any other intermediate paper that is asked to be cut lengthwise for a lengthy quiz.

Bottom line is, i miss the guy more than i miss myself. comments?

I JUST turned 24 yesterday still cana’t imagine being 24 with two kids and a wife. actually it’s alright with me that i have them already at this young an age.

my parent had me when my father was only 20 and my mother 18. i dont feel a single regret now. honestly that feeling was there all the times. but sure times has its reasons and ways on starting things out.
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these wounds won’t seem to heal
this pain is just too real.

m listening on my mp3 and i really am hooked on to it. what am i going to do without those teeny music? at this moment i can’t realize why i have become a former college editor in chief of a university here in south luzon whereas right now i cant seem to think of what to write or say unto this blog.
its like blag for me. i fell from up above and am now struggling to write words. my mastery of the language(?) seem to be dropping from 100 degrees centigrade to a low of a .5 on the same scale.

its cold and winterly.

thats what i feel right now. naulan kse. im talking right now with a former boy that i had when i was only in college. he was a three-year steady. he;s from davao and im from lucena. i really cant imagine how i did get to be steady with him. that was a three-year itch that i felt absolutely no sexual intercourse just intellectual masturbation. im one itchy bitch how the hell did i get to allow that? di ko nga din alam.

all i know is when i got the chance to go down to the big davao city my first agenda was to get laid with the boy and and conquer his world for one night even i was a failure in conquering his mind on that three years. so even with a bf and a gf that time i did get the guts to ask him for something i dont even now to manage.

the bottom line is, i guess, that i violated the guy and all those that busied my senses. i just thought that overnight encounter would change how i feel for him or for the meanigful (?) relationship that we had.

i guess im incomplete without him. and even if we are miles apart i guess hes still down here in the middle of my lungs. this one big stupid confession. and i guess this is on a need to know basis. i have to kill you now,

ask for more.

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ysrael,

happy birthday,

el