All Things and Sundry

I told myself some five years ago, that in order for me to retain whatever writing prowess I have, I should to maintain some journal or a diary so that I could express some things and thoughts on my mind.

However, time has been so selfish of his self and not give me more. I find it hard to again familiarize myself with letters and manipulate them. If such would be the predicament, I’ll be defeated by Numbers and Letters and the next thing I knew they would be surging forward me and reduce me to rubles. But before they do that to me, let me prove my self then.

Well, early on, I was interviewed for a job (for the nth time) that I find both exciting and challenging unlike the current job. Not that I am tired of interviews, it’s just that I do not know in what part of it I fail? Yes I do have my share of failures in job applications. Don’t ask me how many times I failed, I just want to be honest that after five years of leaving school, the job I did not applied for in 2003 is still my job right now in 2008. Get the thought?

Although not of all the interviews of mine failed me. The University of the Philippines - School of Economics has recently approved my application to enter their ground and study Masters in Development Economics.

Prior to that I already have doubts I can ever pass the admissions exams and interview. Yes another oral exam. After the interview conducted by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I already raised the white flag. She was never a minute impressed of my academic track records. She was even doubtful of the results of the thesis which I have written and earned me an award. My castle are now sands as I exit her door although with still a cup full of hopes within my sleeves.

But just as I thought that the UPSE interview would add up to the statistics of my failures in interview, the UPSE sent me a positive note. Yehey! I am now on track and am continuing my Balik Aral.

A lesson learned after almost five years in government: Don’t wait the hands of the clock to reach 5 PM, you’ll get so so bored. I am saying this without remorse. To enable yourself to avail of a career growth in government, you must be able to castrate the office with obsolete people after then can you climb the career ladder. But I am not going to wait for that thing to happen. Good things are not given on a silver platter. One must strive in order to grab a food to eat.

Be that as it may, my five-year stint in government has opened my eyes into lots of possibilities and impossibilities, corruption (small time and big time), the principles of of politics, a terroristic department head and ugly local politics which has sowed a culture of patronage and dynasty.

Again, I will try my best to write about my five-year civil service experience in order to open up some closed eyes and make some people realize in what mud they are in right now.

Wish me luck.

Sumusunod, nagmamasid
Parang asong bumubuntot
Mala-paparazzi ang mga mata
Walang detalyeng pinalalampas
Walang tinitira

Kung anong meron
Sa kanya’y nais matalastas
Upang matapos
Itong paghahanap

At nang sunod-sunod silang dumating
Konsentrasyo’y nawala, napukaw
Nagambala

Sino ang susundan
Sino ang tititigan
Nawawala na ang katinuan

At sa huli
Hahabulin ko pa din sya
Sa hindi malamang dahilan

Pagnanasaaan ang bawat niyang kilos
Ngunit walang magagawa kungdi
Titigan ang kanyang pagkatao

Hanggang sa matapos ang paghahanap kong ito.

Pinipilit tapusin ang mga sinimulan
Sobrang puyat, pagod,
Hangover, pagpiga ng utak
Pagpwersa sa hinuhang hindi naman malalim

Sayang lang ang tinta
Sayang lang ang mga papel
Ang mga oras na ginugol

Ayaw matulad sa isang alamat o telenobela
Laging natatalo ng Emperador at ni Generoso
Di rin maunahan ang pulang kabayo

Gayahin ko man ang istilo ni Edgar Allan
Sadyang mahina ang sikmura ko
Ngunit gusto pa ring tapusin

Tapusin ang alin?
Ang panimulang di man lang makapagsalaysay
Mga pangungusap na walang tinuran
Mga pasubaling di na mawawakasan
Manunulat ba ako?
O isang mapagpanggap na makatang
Di makatapos ng talutod

Nagsayang ng tinta
Nagsayang ng papel
At mga oras na ginugol

Ngunit may bukas
Hangga’t humihinga
Kahit abutin ng edad setenta

Pilit tatapusin mga sinimulang kabanata
Mga pangungusap na walang tuldok
Walang torya.

I still cant wait to blog this down.

Though Lucena favorite, and now first Philippine Idol, Maureen Marcelo, has been the runaway winner in the local Idol tilt, there still some not so nice comments to look up to. I think Mau’s judge’s pick for the song Balut was a sabotage.

Though she victoried in having it delivered, it still pales in comparison from what gian and jan sang. I still cant understand why they did chose that song over a thousand songs out there. It could have been another OPM cut, but really Balut made her just that. A balut. Almost a loser. I was so disgusted how the judges, though esteemed in their field, were able to pick that song for Mau. Talk about present-day Apartheid.

However, it was a 180-degree turn now. Everybody who threw in votes for Mau, Lovely during our elementary days, sure did get to forget how aweful it was that fateful night of December 9 for her. Im quite sure that the very reason she almost cried in her BMG-choice song was that she was thinking that she would be losing the Idol tilt and would just be again a runner-up just like what she have experienced from the Sarah Geronimo days.

But now, it could be said that another chapter could be started of what of her life is left. Maureen has almost everything in her hands now. Im quite sure that offers from big networks would be knocking on her doors for an even more broader exposure and opportunity.

I know she can very much handle her career now, and i can proudly say that wala tlaga syang ere as in. The Maureen Marcelo, who used to play chicho and patintero way back in elementary is the same Maureen, the first Philippine Idol, now.

Mau, keep your feet on the ground. more power!

after surfing the net and hoping to find some nice people to talk to, i decided to write something just to ease some tension on my mind.

been 3 days that something’s boggling me. i am feeling a shooing away of things i wanted to be in solitaire in order to get things clear. problems are left and right and it seems to be no stopping them.

as i leave my house, there i leave the troubles and fears.  and now comes more troubles for my career and endless demands to finish things and dispatch them with flash.

and it seems there’s no stopping them.

they attack from my back like a dog released from its chains. from my left and right there seems to be endless like water from the well. and as i search for a refuge, nothing comes my way. everything and everyone seems to be in rage.

ive been wanting to take a break from the traffic that consumes me everyday. but there seems to be no escaping the fate that i chose to be with. if only Superman (or Supergirl) would come to rescue me out of the fire, then there would be peace. at the least maybe.

i would lie on the bed like a fallen leaf and would let the wind carry me in his arms to everywhere where there is less of grief, suffering and horror. less anger, more peace. a paradise for solitaire.

but then, just minutes away from the real world, the truth would come flashing again. torturing me and haunting me. inescapable, i surrender in defeat knowing there is nothing for me to do to heal the wounds that severes pain.

then with the last straw of strength, i rise and look up the sky, if indeed Superman still fly. or will i just be a willing prey to predators of my future.

after surfing the net and hoping to find some nice people to talk to, i decided to write something just to ease some tension on my mind.

been 3 days that something’s boggling me. i am feeling a shooing away of things i wanted to be in solitaire in order to get things clear. problems are left and right and it seems to be no stopping them.

as i leave my house, there i leave the troubles and fears.  and now comes more troubles for my career and endless demands to finish things and dispatch them with flash.

and it seems there’s no stopping them.

they attack from my back like a dog released from its chains. from my left and right there seems to be endless like water from the well. and as i search for a refuge, nothing comes my way. everything and everyone seems to be in rage.

ive been wanting to take a break from the traffic that consumes me everyday. but there seems to be no escaping the fate that i chose to be with. if only Superman (or Supergirl) would come to rescue me out of the fire, then there would be peace. at the least maybe.

i would lie on the bed like a fallen leaf and would let the wind carry me in his arms to everywhere where there is less of grief, suffering and horror. less anger, more peace. a paradise for solitaire.

but then, just minutes away from the real world, the truth would come flashing again. torturing me and haunting me. inescapable, i surrender in defeat knowing there is nothing for me to do to heal the wounds that severes pain.

then with the last straw of strength, i rise and look up the sky, if indeed Superman still fly. or will i just be a willing prey to predators of my future.

after surfing the net and hoping to find some nice people to talk to, i decided to write something just to ease some tension on my mind.

been 3 days that something’s boggling me. i am feeling a shooing away of things i wanted to be in solitaire in order to get things clear. problems are left and right and it seems to be no stopping them.

as i leave my house, there i leave the troubles and fears.  and now comes more troubles for my career and endless demands to finish things and dispatch them with flash.

and it seems there’s no stopping them.

they attack from my back like a dog released from its chains. from my left and right there seems to be endless like water from the well. and as i search for a refuge, nothing comes my way. everything and everyone seems to be in rage.

ive been wanting to take a break from the traffic that consumes me everyday. but there seems to be no escaping the fate that i chose to be with. if only Superman (or Supergirl) would come to rescue me out of the fire, then there would be peace. at the least maybe.

i would lie on the bed like a fallen leaf and would let the wind carry me in his arms to everywhere where there is less of grief, suffering and horror. less anger, more peace. a paradise for solitaire.

but then, just minutes away from the real world, the truth would come flashing again. torturing me and haunting me. inescapable, i surrender in defeat knowing there is nothing for me to do to heal the wounds that severes pain.

then with the last straw of strength, i rise and look up the sky, if indeed Superman still fly. or will i just be a willing prey to predators of my future.

i guess this will be my first blog for this year. yew it took all three months before i get to write something worthwhile (?). anyway ive been busy with tons of work at the office. i really am wanting a career shift and i am serious with that. with how the economy if faring it is only GMA that is believing that with the peso going up, economic development is on its way to uplifting people from poverty. but that part is easier said than done. you can never tell when progress would come especially if you keep on eating the same meal three times a day, or you keep on renting you house as if its your monthly amortization that you are paying your landlady or you keep on complaining about never to full tank your vehicle because everytime you attempt so, the prices keeps on soaring like an eagle.

anyway, if you know word commitment you’ll understand my point why i just can leave my work right now. but having to ponder on it deeper, makes me rethink my stand right not. i guess my family and my loves one should be the real commitment that i should be trying to keep and not just to add up to some other people’s commitment especially if they dont care about how you feel, whats your financial status or more basically if their not checking if you can feed your family at all or better yet pay a decent fare (hndi nag wa one-two-three, hoy hindi ko na yun gngawa). but really i am rethinking of having to leave my job in exchange for a more greener pasture out of this Highly Urbanized City. but having to finally decide about these things keeps a blow on me. its just not that easy.

i am in deep slumber of cowardice right now to face this bigger commitment i have with my family. plus the thought that i should keep some promises and end some projects that i have already started years ago (Mam Clayd asan n yng edited na yearbook).

I just hope and pray that someone would guide me on my way out of this glitch that i am currently in. sana lang wag masyadong masakit.

i wanted some air outside.

anybody who wants to hire me?

Huwag mo na lang akong damayan

Kung naaawa ka lang sa akin

Huwag mo na lang akong lapitan

Kung gusto mo naman akong layuan

Huwag mo na lang akong hawakan

Kung di mo naman sasamyuin ang pagmamahal,

Huwag mo na lang akong samahan sa paglaban,

Kung di kita makakapiling sa tagumpay

Huwag mo na lang akong yakapin

Kung dir in lang mahigpit at taos-puso

Baka lalo lang akong mahulog sa bitag ng iyong pagsuyo

Huwag mo na lang akong kausapin

Kung dir in lang makabuluhan ang iyong sasabihin

Ang nais ko’y katotohanan na lamang sa mundo.

Huwag mo na lang akong awitan

Kung dir in lang sa akin ang iyong pagsinta

Huwag mo na lang akong iduyan

Kung sa huli nama’y ako’y iyong iiwan.

Huwag mo na lang akong hawakan

Kung dir in lang madarama ang iyong saloobin

Wag na lang, sa akin ika’y makipagniig

Kungdi rin lang kasama ang iyong kaluluwa

Huwag na lang tayo’y maghalikan

Kung di rin lang iinit ang pag-ibig mo

Huwag mo na lang akong pangakuan

Kung di rin lang iinit ang pag-ibig mo

Huwag na lang kung guguhit ka ng mga

Hinuhang pang-aliw sa malungkot kong mukha

Wag ka na lang magtayo ng pag-asa

Kung sa buhangin mo ito ihuhulma

Tuyo na ang akung mata ngunit

Nais ko pang tumangis

Piga na ang luha sa aking mga mata

Natigang na ang tubig sa may tulay

Malapit na ring maubos ang aking pasensiya

Kaya pakiusap, huwag na lang

sana

.

My Sweet Angel,

I quest for you in the midst of nowhere. And without much work I found you right beside me telling me that you’re ready to be a friend. There was smile and all was history.

         Your advent made me realize that I am not alone. That as a normal human being, I could again fall in love, this is the only moment that I realized how wonderful I am as a creation of Someone up there.

         I may not be that knowledgeable about everything that you know. Your thoughts, aspirations and goals I may never understand. But the more I don’t comprehend these things, the greater urge in me to discover you more.

I may not that vocal about how I feel, for I know that it is clearly implied you knew it. Others call me insane and stupid knowing how I feel for you. In defense, I would say that there is much insanity and stupidity if I deny how much I desire of you.

Your eyes would tell me how good your soul is. Yours lips would give me a smile that would make me blissful for the next 24 strikes of the clock. How I wish those were of my possession.

Each day my craving for your attention increases, my demand goes up, my satisfaction isn’t fulfilled.

Tonight, I’m looking at the endless sky. The darkness of the night gave me a wonderful thought of you that busied my senses. Suddenly, the drops of the evening dew showered upon my face, never expecting for you to come and fill up my senses.

It was too late that I realized how deep I slept that night.

My heart and mind just can’t accept why there’s no possibility of you becoming mine; that you belong to another world, to another someone whose face I’d rather not see.

I know of love as a thing to be reciprocated it was only in my case that it could never go that way.

With great affection,

Louis

Louis,

Everything seems to be in order tonight. The cool clouds are enveloping the sky, preventing me from seeing those stars; the stars that the two of us have together chained as our constellation of love.

There is serenity in that October affair, when the sun is at its softest ray and the breeze is blowing with star dust reminding people of the approaching yuletide.

We were unmindful of the unfriendly weather; we ignored the howling of the dogs and the crisp laughter of the jackals. All we know is that Cupid has conquered both of our worlds and fused it into one serene paradise.

We barely know each other and we don’t recognize the art of love yet, we blindly accepted each other. Like poor begging for alms, we opened up and embraced the miracle we are in.

Day by day your letters were regular visitors knocking at my doorsteps. Now I could spell ugly as beauty and boredom, glee. You turned my world from a crazy maniac to one tamed beast. I couldn’t ask for more.

From that day that I found that the God of Love is with me in my heart, I started to appreciate the blue sky and the red cardinal, the golden wheat and the tired peasant. It was but a world full of color.

But then it was only the beginning. Until I awake from the deep slumber that was fantasy, the sweet dream was nothing but grim nightmare. And with a hundred decibels I cry, awakening the monster of the underworld; the same beast that claimed the Adonis of my life.

Alas! It is still time for sorrow. For our worlds are separated by the great distance of heaven and earth; of jealousy and hatred. And I can only cry as what is used to be until I am eaten by Misery. My love isn’t love, until I set you free.

Marielle

________________

*love letter